Some days, I’m worthless, unlovable, a failure, a loser, nothing, no one. A nobody, destined to stay nothing.
But when I meditate
I leave here.
I see things you probably wouldn’t believe. Some say there are 7 chakras. I believe there are 12, and some agree with that assessment. There are a lot of different charts for the chakras that are contradictory. I measure them my own way.
This map is most accurate to my assessment:
This one, similarly, feels close:
However, neither of these are quite accurate to how I view it. In the second photo, the pineal chakra (3rd eye) should be in between the eyes as in the first picture, the “well of dreams” should be the causal chakra as referred to in the first photo, the pituitary chakra should be in the upper center of the mind. In the first photo, only the 12th chakra should be floating above the head. The crown chakra is at the top of the brain. Apologies, but I am going to use my names and numbers without fully explaining.
Often what I try to do is meditate up and down the chakras, spending time on each one, beginning at the root chakra (the groin), up through the 12th chakra (slightly above the mind). I have found uses for most of them.
I often use the sacral, naval and heart chakras to connect to my body. This is a recent thing. Most often I meditate through the 3rd eye chakra. Through this chakra I often see images, different from imagination (it is easy to tell the difference, and I am careful to separate what is imagery seen through the meditation and what is imagery my mind grasps onto and tries to mold).
I often meditate through the 10th chakra using an internal mantra as assistance. It is through this chakra I realize a greater understanding of myself.
When I meditate up and down through the chakra sequentially, at the apex (12th chakra), I try to achieve an out of body experience. This will sound a bit strange, but I am convinced a person can kill themselves through mastery of this chakra — to simply exit their body.
What I want to talk about right now though, is a realization I had during 10th chakra meditation. It’s hard to tell the names, diagrams you find online are so inconsistent. But the chakra I am referring to is in the upper middle of the mind, and you can feel it expand diagonally upward from both sides of your head as you engage it. In the second photo above, it would likely be what the pituitary chakra label refers to, although they have the pineal and pituitary chakras locations exchanged for some reason.
Anyway, I’m a person of many, many regrets, and I tend to activate 10th chakra meditation, normally, to engage a feeling of joy, accessed through memory, or a feeling of drive, accessed through mantra.
What I realize though, during this meditation, is that it is not possible that -I- (the soul, I), am simply the impression of experience. No, there is something inherent that I must be, because in other potentialities, other timelines, I must have traits that guide my particular approach to engaging free will.
Thus, what I realized is that I am the essence of the culmination of experiences across different timelines. That memory, flawed as it is even in this timeline, and so crucial to our identities, is not, to use an analogy, the shape of the soul, but the shape of the jar of the soul, and the soul’s shape adjusts to the shape of the jar.
That not only can the shape of the jar be changed, by will, but that it should be changed. That two conflicting memories can at once be held for the effect it has on the shape of the jar. That every potentiality has been realized, and that by realizing this, you can expand your -identity- to the possibility of how it would be shaped by experiences that could have plausibly happened to you (do not be willful: real possibility), meaning experiences that are likely to have occurred in other timelines.
In doing so, you can expand your identity in this life to include the realizations and lessons from other potentialities, just as you can learn the moral of the story by reading a book, except even more directly; and moreso, you can realize the true essence of -self-, aside from the ego-imprinting dealt by memory, by understanding the -self- in its natural form, divorced from memory and experience.
As full as I am of regret here, I understand now that where things may have played out differently, in some places, they did. And in tracing through the potential lives I could have lived from where they may have branched from, I can better understand what outcomes were delivered to me by chance, which were delivered to me by experiential encoding, and which were delivered to me by my nature.
I also understand now that when I agonize over a decision, it does not really matter which decision I make, because I almost make both. I am not choosing between one thing or another thing, only which outcome my -self- wants to experience directly.