Journal 11/17 New Novel, Digital Nihilism Thoughts, Updates

One of the many topics I write about in my book is radical self-expression and addressing the cyclea of trauma. There is a lot to this topic, especially in terms of rationale (read the book), but one of the many reasons is because we don’t know each other anymore, especially on the internet. And, because we don’t know each other, we judge one another and commit ourselves to these ridiculous tribes.

I’m trying to follow my own advice by keeping a journal online.

Lately I feel like I’m fighting a battle between my attachment to the past and my embracing an unknown future. My mind continually tries to romanticize places I’ve been as if I can possibly return there, and I’m trying to embrace a reality that I think I know, which is that a lot can change in a year, a few years, and you can’t predict where you’re going to be or who’s going to be in your life.

You might know that after I left my previous job, I decided not to get another one. I’m not going to tell the whole story, but things got tough. I see a lot of jobs lately that make me feel like I could undo that decision, move back to LA and pick up where I left off — hurtling down a path that I know is the wrong path. That’s what everyone wants me to do. That’s what the responsible thing to do would be.

Dive headfirst into the past. I’m significantly poorer right now than I’ve ever been in my adult life. But I’m not lonely or suicidal. I have extreme anxiety lately, which is very strange, as I’ve never been an anxious person. At least not like this — waking up with near panic attacks. And I think what’s going on is by body is actually terrified to leave the past behind and go into a future it can’t predict.

I’m planning out my next novel. I’m actually excited about it. I think it’s going to be great. But I find that I keep procrastinating, and it’s because of this fear of the unknown. I’m trying to give myself answers that take the bite out of the unknowns. Maybe it not many people will read it, or the people who read it won’t like it. That’s okay. Van Gogh died totally broke and alone.

But I don’t even think that’s true. I think it’s going to be an amazing novel and I think people will love it.

I wish people would read my book, Digital Nihilism. There’s a lot in there that I really think is Truth. Capital T Truth. I may not have a degree in philosophy, but I’ve read the philosophers I cite. I may not have a degree in theology, but I’ve been through the spiritual ringer and I’ve done a ton of self-study. I’m a smart person, a very intuitive person, and I believe my logic is rational, persuasive and coherent. This is the type of book I think those more concrete thinkers might read and say “Well, I think he’s right — but why is he right?” I felt the energy when I was writing it, and I feel it still — it is something special, whether it’s appreciated or not.

I’ve written about the ideology. I’m trying now to adopt it and live by it as best I can. I can tell you one thing so far — there’s great promise in the fact that, when faced with a dilemma, I can ask myself, “How should this be handled to be consistent with my philosophy?” instead of Googling for advice about what to do.

I sent this book to someone with considerably more media presence and connections than me. My hope is that it spreads in that way. I see a lot of major figures who I know would agree with not only the philosophies in the book, but the proposed solutions (I’m looking at you, Elon).

I’d like the book to get into the hands of Elon, Brand, Tyson, Rogan, Peterson, Kaku, maybe Felix. A lot of the marketing I’m doing here is hedging against them crossing my name out and putting theirs on it as I try to get it to those people who could blow it up, so at least if you few people who read this see that happen, you’ll know where it really came from.

I’ve been doing this a long time — putting big ideas out there and having big players adopt them and take credit. Ultimately what makes me really happy is seeing my ideas get traction and seeing people doing my plan, and then seeing the plan work. Still, it would be nice to get recognition and some reward, be a little more well known as a person who has good ideas and plants seeds and makes great plans. Some of the stuff you see trending and popular right now came from me.

So from this entry you can kind of see what’s on my mind right now, I guess. Writing my new novel and marketing Digital Nihilism.

The novel is going to be awesome. Not to give too much away, but it’s literary sci-fi/fantasy (think like Ender’s Game, but more fantasy). Lots of mystery, lots of action, lots of psycho thriller type stuff. I wish I could say more but people tend to steal my ideas.

I’ve been playing a bit of the new Pokemon game but I’m really beating myself up about it. I should be writing or going to the gym. My sleep schedule is pretty off right now and I’m trying to fix it.

A new Grimes video came out the other day. I really like the visualizer and the art, I don’t like the song as much as Flesh without Blood or We Appreciate Power or Realiti, but I haven’t given it a fair listen.

I saw a Netflix show called The Politician. Loved it. Really identified with a lot of the show. I thought the art direction in particular was good. Great color palette to the show, kind of has some Wes Anderson influence but it doesn’t come on too strong. All the actors were great, and I was surprised (and impressed) to see that Gwyneth Paltrow directed an episode, or perhaps more than one, I’m not sure.

It’s pretty cold here, so I’m not going to the gym as much as I should. Or maybe that’s just what I’m telling myself to excuse myself from going to the gym.

I’m really appreciating spending time with my family. If I did relent and go after a 9-5 in my field I’d have to give that up again. My nephew is a pretty funny kid. Spending time with my mom and brother is really special I think. There’s a cute girl at this deli I’ve been eating at a lot. She’s growing on me.

Alright I guess I’ll head off to the gym.

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