When running a website, you tend to get a bunch of bot-generated spam comments. I don’t know what this group of people is that’s smart enough to program a bot to crawl the internet and leave idiotic messages, but also incapable of putting together anything resembling a coherent thought, but here are some of my favorite spam comments.
1. Future Space Jesus Will Save Us
This one always comes from “Bible” or “Jesus” or some similar name like that.
“We are approaching a future of a one-world cashless society in which they will mandate us to have an RFID microchip implanted in our body. This chip will contain all our personal information and we will lose much more of our privacy because of the tracking capabilities.
More importantly, did you know that this was all prophesied almost 2000 years ago by a man named Jesus? Don’t believe me? Keep reading…This may be the most important thing you will ever read.”
What follows that introduction is like 3 full pages of bizarre nonsensical prophesy that funnels back into some guy’s Christian-themed conspiracy website. I get this one a lot. I get this comment like 2-3 times a day. It would be one of my favorites, because it’s so goddamn weird, but I have to scroll down so much to delete it that it’s hard to enjoy.
I don’t understand the point of this one. Most of the comments are trying to get people to come to some SEO Guru’s horseshit page about whatever ‘niche’ they calculated would be the most profitable thing to make one shitty web article about and then harass the world about. But this one seems to have no ulterior motive but to spread the gospel of future Jesus saving us from RFID implants under the skin or whatever. It’s oddly altruistic.
2. Inexplicable Nonsense
I get these a lot. You can tell which ones come from the same bots because the manner in which they’re incoherent is recognizable. Here are some of my favorites:
“I every time used to read paragraph in news papers but now as I am a user of web thus from now I am using net for posts, thanks to web.”
Now I am a user of web thus from not on I am using net for posts. Thanks to web! I think we all owe thanks to web, buddy. What they do is they put their shitty website in one of the field so the link comes up with the post. This guy’s is like… some kind of parody of buzzfeed where the articles are all AI generated world salad. Except it’s not a parody, it’s an earnest attempt at a get rich quick scheme, and what’s especially sad is that it’s probably working.
3. Straight Up Warez (in Russian!)
Топовый приватный чит от разработчика с многолетним опытом работы в разработке программного обеспечения. Свыше 4х лет его программы работают, регулярно обновляются и постоянно дорабатываются. “
Nothing says “trustworthy” like a redirect to a shady Warez website written by a bot in a foreign language. I auto-translated it, it basically says he’s a good engineer and he’s gonna get you the best cracks and it goes on to say that you probably won’t even get banned. Well… he got banned. From commenting here. Actually he didn’t, I don’t know how to do that.
4. Extortion Attempts
This guy left like 20 spam messages and then left this comment:
“Do you have a spam problem on this site; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; many of us have created some nice methods and we are looking to trade solutions with others, please shoot me an email if interested.|”
SHOOT ME AN EMAIL AND I’LL STOP SPAMMING YOU. Sounds legit. What’s actually generally impressive about this illegal threat is that it’s actually not full of misspellings and, aside from the random | at the end of it, actually makes sense. I guess it goes to show, if they really want something, they can gather enough energy to articulate for just one comment. As far as spam comments go, these are my least favorite.
5. Extremely Over the Top Compliments
“Thanks for sharing superb informations. Your web-site is so cool. I am impressed by the details that you have on this website. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. Bookmarked this web page, will come back for more articles. You, my friend, ROCK! I found just the information I already searched everywhere and simply couldn’t come across. What a great site.”
Sure, the compliments may be incredibly non-specific and clearly sent to every single blog these bots crawl through, but it’s still nicer than extortion attempts and warez. These are my favorite spam comments because at least they’re nice. This particular person was trying to shill a really shady indie search engine. What a world.
I don’t know what category to put this post in. I guess I’ll just put in in “All”. Go read some YouTuber Reviews while you’re here, though.